When you have a good friend who loses someone they love, you may find yourself asking how you can help them at this difficult time.
Grief is, unfortunately, a part of life, and even with centuries of trying to come to grips with it, many societies and psychologists still struggle to put grief into words that make it easier to manage.
If you find yourself in the unique (but difficult) situation of having to help someone deal with personal grief, there are many things you can do to help, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Memorials
When you are trying to support one of your friends with their grief, you may find your mind turning to gifts. There is nothing wrong with this, and many people opt for things like bouquets of lilies.
However, there are some other eco-friendly memorial gifts you can choose from. Some people opt for buying trees in memory, which would allow your friend to keep the tree on their property. Or, you could opt for something like a plant, which has the same benefits. If your friend is looking to scatter the ashes of their loved one in a meadow or other green space, you could ask them about you gifting some wildflower seeds to be added to the ceremony as a marker. Another eco-friendly gift could be a recycled journal, which will give your friend a space to write about their feelings during this hard time. Keep it simple, and if your friend asks you for help with choosing memorials for their loved one, be sure to go along and offer your support.
Touch Base Often
Grief can cause an immense feeling of awkwardness, as, to be honest, few people know what is acceptable to do or to say. You may desperately want to offer support, but you don’t know how much the right amount is, or even if what you are doing is helping.
A good starting base is to touch base regularly. This could be via text, WhatsApp, email, or even phone calls. Start by asking them how they are, and if they don’t respond, that’s OK. Grief can be extremely difficult, and in the early stages, many people go into shock, which can cause them to lose focus on friendships. The best thing you can do is stay in touch and help them as and when needed. If they ask for space, respect that and circle back in a few days.
Listen
The process of grief can leave people in a space where they want to talk all the time, or they simply go silent. Neither is right, and neither should be judged.
What you will likely find is that after the shock of the loss wears off, your friend will want to start to talk. This could be about the person that they have lost, how the person passed, how they feel, and there may be a few difficult statements that come out. The key here is to listen with empathy.
Sometimes, a person who is grieving can say things that are triggering. This is usually related to anger or shock, and while it is easy to try to walk away permanently, it is wiser to simply give them some space. Try not to take things that are said during the grief process personally, and if you find that statements have upset you, it may be best to talk to other friends or family members.
Offer Practical Assistance
When someone loses a loved one, it can severely dysregulate their emotions and their routine. The overwhelming emotions can make it hard to focus on daily chores, and this is where the most support is usually needed.
If you are able to, try to run errands for your friend if they are unable to due to overwhelm. This could be as simple as picking up groceries for them, walking their dog, cleaning their home, or even picking up their kids from school. Always ask first, as assuming that they need help can cause resentment and shame, especially if they are trying to cope.
Practical assistance can alleviate some of the stress of life and can provide them with the breathing space that they need to feel their emotions and to cope with any funeral arrangements or planning. It seems simple to whip a vacuum cleaner around a carpet, and it can leave you puzzled about how it helps, but don’t underestimate these daily tasks and their impact when grief is involved.
Respect Their Process
Everyone grieves differently, and that’s OK. It can be hard to know how to react when you have just been through the overwhelming shock of loss, more so if it seemingly came out of the blue.
Try to offer as much patience as you can. This may involve sitting with your friend while they cry, repeating the same sentences over and over again, or simply being numb. One thing to try to avoid is trying to rush them through the grieving process or to offer solutions to try to make them feel better. The reality is that in the midst of grief, there are few solutions to the emotional pain, and your friend may be inadvertently looking for projects or temporary solutions to keep their minds off of this. Again, this is perfectly normal, and even if you are aware that this is what they are doing, try not to point it out, as it may cause a shame response in them.
Grief also has many physical aspects, such as not eating, sleep issues, headaches, and bodily pain without cause. If these symptoms persist for over six months, then it can be worth talking to your friend about bereavement counselling.
Remember, the way a person grieves is likely to be as unique as they are and is also often linked to culture or religion. The process may be long and can involve grief seeming to fade and then coming back out of the blue. If you have concerns about your friend’s mental well-being during a period of grief, it can be wise to point them in the direction of a bereavement counsellor.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE
